


Am I Enough?

by nu5est



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Misunderstandings, parents malec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:15:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22510834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nu5est/pseuds/nu5est
Summary: Alec and Magnus have been married for 7 years. And they’ve been blessed with 2 sons, Max and Rafael. Everything is good, great even for them until its not.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 17
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

Magnus is reading his magic spell book which he’s already memorized by now. He’s totally not waiting for his husband. Nope, not at all. Just reading. Alec is late…again. For the past few months, coming home late have been a routine to Alec. And he just couldn’t tell Magnus that. Come to think of it, Alec barely even replied to his messages. When he did, it was just a short answer like ‘OK’, ‘noted’. Sometimes, he just left Magnus on read. Most of the time, really.

Maybe the honeymoon phase is real after all, that’s what Magnus thinks. His husband who was once a very clingy koala, didn’t want to go to work if Magnus didn’t cuddle or kiss him is now having no problems doing so without bat an eye to Magnus. No good morning kiss, no goodbye kiss and he just left. Magnus starts to wonder, did their love has burn out? Did they have fall out of love? He certainly does not, but he cant say the same for Alec. Magnus can literally feel the distance between them. And with each passing day, the distance just keeps on going wider. Its not just about Alec stops giving him morning kiss, they just don’t do it anymore, kissing. And he cant remember the last time they made love, they last time Alec said ‘I love you’ before he stopped. But it feels like ages. And to be honest, he misses Alec, sooo much. He wants to touch his husband again, to look into those beautiful hazel eyes again but he feels like he cant do that anymore. Like he’s lost the right to.

He remembered one day he decided to give Alec a surprise. Wanted to have lunch together with his husband in Alec’s office just like they used to do. He really wanted the distance between them to disappear. Magnus was excited and nervous at the same time. Its been a while and he really wanted this to be perfect, even it was just lunch. When he reached Alec’s office, he could hear the sound of laughter from inside. So he decided to use a little magic to see what was going without had to open the door. There in Alec’s office was a guy with curly brown hair. He’s a shadowhunter too and they had a lunch together. Joking and laughing together. He missed that laugh, missed the way Alec’s eyes crinkle and the warm sound of his laugh. He didn’t get that from Alec for a long time now. How unfair was it that he had to suffer while a stranger could hear that sweet sound that easily. So he decided to just go back to Catarina’s to pick up his sons. He left his sons with Catarina to have a good time with his husband. But it seemed like Alec already had it without him.

It’s 2.45 a.m. when Magnus hears the front door. Alec goes to their room and sees Magnus still up. Alec doesn’t say anything, just look at him and raises his eyebrow. “Can’t sleep’ Magnus says while looks at Alec who takes off his jacket. Again no hello kiss, no how are you. Hell, Alec doesn’t even ask him whats wrong when he said he cant sleep. Magnus feels something he tries so hard not to feel. He pushes all the thoughts away when they come rushing in and make him feels unsteady. But right now, when those feelings come bubbling again, he doesn’t have the power to stop them. He’s tired. And he needs to know the truth.

“Alexander” Magnus says weakly. Alec hums as reply as he takes off his shoes. “Are you…” Magnus fiddles with his fingers and really he wants to cry right this second. He even thinks to just stop and not asks Alec anything. Hes not ready for this. The lump in his throat and the sinking feeling in his stomach are signs that he should stop but he doesn’t know how long he should endure all of this. This feelings of being unloved, forgotten, unworthy to his own husband. So he takes a deep breath and tries again. “Are you cheating on me, Alexander?”


	2. Chapter 2

Alec freezes on the spot. Does he hear Magnus right? Or his ears just play tricks on him? “What?!” Alec says harsher than he aims for. “Come again?” Alec turns around and looks at his husband. He can see Magnus blinks his eyes a few times and how his jaw clenches tightly. “Are you cheating on me?” Magnus replies and looks straight into his eyes. Alec who still has one of his shoe in his hand, slams the shoe hard on the floor and runs his fingers through his hair. “Really Magnus?” Alec is mentally and physically exhausted. He had just finished with a pile of paper work. And his idiot siblings and Clary did something so stupid yet again. No surprise there because that’s all they’ve ever done since forever. And he’s the one who cleared that mess….again. He couldn’t catch a breath and now this. His husband really just questioned his loyalty to him when all that he did just work, work and work. He lets out a long sigh and massages his temple. He seems to be doing that a lot around Magnus lately. The headache is getting worse now than it did a few minutes ago. “I really don’t have time for this, Magnus” he grumbles continues to take his shirt off. He really need to take a longggg bath. “You never have time for me anymore” Magnus whispers sadly but Alec hears him perfectly. “What is the matter with you? I am so tired right now. I just got off from work, can’t you see?” Alec says loudly while his hands make wild gesture. “Don’t be too loud, Alec. The kids are sleeping. We’re not going to have this conversation if you don’t give me the reasons to.” Magnus closes his eyes and swallows hard. Having a fight with Alec is the last thing on his list. “If you really want to know, no I don’t have an affair, Magnus. But come to think of it I really wish I had one” Alec says harshly and closes the bathroom door loudly. Alec goes straight to sink and splashes his face with the cold water. He is so angry, no he is beyond angry. 

Behind the door, Magnus is on the verge of crying. Its feels like Alec just slaps the shit out of him. He clenches his jaw while his hands do the same with the bed sheet. Shakingly, he get out of bed and goes to his sons’ room. He slowly pushes the door open. The room is quite now because the little monsters are sleeping peacefully. Unaware of the tornado inside his papa’s mind. 

Magnus can see that Max and Rafael are sleeping together on Rafael’s bed even though Max has his own bed. Max is always the clingy one between the two of them, reminds him of his once upon a husband. Max always wants to play with his older brother, always wants to be beside him even when Rafael is studying. Max knows that he should be quiet when Rafael diligently study the runes, so he’s just playing with his ball of magic on his own and not interrupting his brother but of course never leave Rafael alone. Sometimes he helps Rafael with the runes. He will make some runes that he sees from the book by using his magic and Rafael will guess what rune that is. Magnus is very thankful that he has the best sons in the world.

Magnus quietly goes into the room and sits on the edge of the bed. Looking at his sons’ faces. When all he ever wants to do right now is bawling his eyes out, but he manages a small smile looking at the two small creatures that bring so much joy in his life. Slowly he caresses Max’s hair and his thumb softly rubs against Rafael’s hand. God, he loves them so much. And that’s when he loses it. Touching his kids and quietly cries. He doesn’t want to cry, but he has been strong for too long. What his husband told him a few minutes ago, feels like arrows shoot straight to his heart. I really wish I had one. Since when he stop being enough for Alec? Is he fail as a husband? Is he really that bad to the point Alec wish to have someone else? He should be relieved that Alec is not crossing the line but somehow this hurts just as much. This hurts just as bad as thinking Alec in the arms of someone else. What have they become? A couple who once so fiercely in love, so sappy that made everyone rolled their eyes and now come to this. It’s like all those things never happened, it’s like they’ve never been in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I make Alec seems like a freaking jerk hahahahah. He's still the man we all know, he just goes through a lot right now. Things will get better.


	3. Chapter 3

Alec is really taking his time in the shower. He needs this. He lets the water running and closes his eyes. He can feel all the stress being washed away. Now that his head is not throbbing and he can finally think straight, he rewinds back the conversation he had with Magnus. _Are you cheating on me?_ He keeps repeating that over and over again. Once again he closes his eyes and Magnus’ broken face comes to his mind. He regrets what’s coming out from his mouth when he’s not stable. Alec admits what he said to Magnus is horrible. Fucking horrible. Whatever his reasons are, still can’t justify what he just said to Magnus, his husband. The way Magnus flinched when he raised his voice, the way Magnus’ voice broke slightly, the way Magnus fiddled with his fingers, the pain and hurt in his eyes when Alec said he wished to be with someone else, he noticed it all. But he couldn’t himself. _FuckFuckFuck_. Alec mentally curses himself. Regret is attacking his whole being, he wish he could rewind back the time.

His dream was to be the head of the institute. And now that he’s living his dream, its not like what he thought. At all. The pressure from the Clave, the need to prove himself is so strong now more than ever. Running the institute with soldiers who act like children is surely a tough job. New York’s Institute, his Shadowhunters, his soldiers are always the one with the bad reputation. He’s the leader for the love of God! But yet he always always aways found himself in a compromising situation. Recently, Jace, izzy and Clary summoned a demon. Alec starts to believe that maybe his siblings don’t have a brain cell. Its like they never learnt. With what happened with Lilith a few years back, and they still did the stunt again and put all human being in danger.

So, each day he spent lesser time with his family, even he realized that. To restore the name of Lightwood, to restore the name of the New York’s institute, to prove his credibility as a leader, he puts his family aside. Now it all makes sense why Magnus thought he was cheating. He’s barely home and when he does only to sleep. Again he curses himself. He turns off the water and wraps the towel around himself. He knows he owes Magnus an apology. Maybe lotssss of apologies.

He expects Magnus still laying on the bed, maybe sleeping, but there’s no one in the room. _If you were him, would you stay in the same room with you._ Alec’s mocking himself. He puts on his night shirt and silently goes out to search for his husband. He has an apology to make. He will be on his knees if that what it takes for Magnus to forgive him. He knows things are bad between the two of them. But he is never the type to let his emotion gets the best him. Let alone lashes it all out on Magnus. Again Magnus’ fallen face while he was visibly trying not to cry infront of Alec makes an appearance. Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and stands up straight after. He’s determined now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for the sake of the story, Alec is not an inquisitor. He's still the head on the Institute.  
> I wanted to post the third chapter tomorrow but even I cant handle the way second chapter ends hahahahah. Stay tuned! Things are getting better I promise


End file.
